Do you beat yourself up when you’ve made a mistake? Do you worry about it or lose sleep over it?
If you do, you’re certainly not alone. It’s so common for people to agonise over the mistakes that they’ve made that it seems normal. That it’s just what we all do.
But this self-beating is destructive, achieves nothing and is, quite frankly, lazy.
Self-criticism is unhealthy
Criticising self-talk has a powerful effect on your physical body, literally dragging your energy down. It is anger directed at yourself and has been linked to increased risk of conditions including depression, lowered immunity, heart disease and even dementia. The mind-body connection is being shown to be stronger than we think.
And of course when our bodies are out of balance then we are mentally distracted, less focused and less productive. We have reduced enthusiasm and mental energy, and we get less joy and satisfaction from our work.
But isn’t feedback good?
I’m not talking here about simply evaluating our work and behaviour, which is a positive way of getting feedback. In fact, certain people have such an over-the-top sense of their own grandeur that they ignore all feedback suggesting they’ve made a mistake. This group of people do need to sit down and examine the impact they have on the world around them. But that is very different from self-criticism.
Isn’t it motivating?
Some people suggest that by beating themselves up they motivate themselves to improve. They believe that berating themselves and increasing their stress will build up a ‘charge’ of negativity and fear of failure that will drive them to improve – to escape that pain. As a strategy, it is not a good one, and it tears you down rather than building you up. Imagine punishing yourself with an electric shock on every mistake. It soon leads to exhaustion, burnout, overwhelm and eventually apathy.
Fear and stress are not factors that create your best work. EEG measurements of brainwaves shows that peak performance occurs when we are relaxed, inspired, open and enthusiastic. It is then that we are most productive, creative and focused. If you think you work well in fear and anxiety, I’d like to suggest you’d work so much better without it.
Why we do it
If self-criticism is so unhelpful, then why do we do it? For most people it’s a learned behaviour that we saw in other people and around us when we were young. We are criticised as children as a way to motivate to do things differently. This can be as obvious as being told we’re stupid, wrong, or bad for making a mistake. It is also taught through sighs, eye rolls, the slump of shoulders, or being ignored. As children, we’re highly sensitive to expression or disapproval and non-acceptance.
As we grow older, we internalise that system of reproach and disapproval. If you hear a negative voice in your head, does it sound like anyone you know?
The ultimate excuse
Self-criticism takes a lot of effort and focus. It takes time to run through a cycle of self-beating and feeling bad. And it can turn into a convenient way to keep us small, keep us from experimenting, getting creative and taking risks. It makes us pessimistic about our talents, abilities and possibilities. And this is how self-criticism can be a lazy way out; an excuse for not really doing our best.
What’s the alternative?
The skill most of us need to learn is how to make a mistake without berating ourselves. It starts with seeing a mistake as just information. Then we can detach our feelings about ourselves – our worth and our value – from our judgment of what we have done. This releases a huge amount of energy that would have been spent on self-reproach.
The next step is the crucial question – ‘what can I learn from this and make sure that I do better next time?’ Then we can go forward with a positive plan for improvement and growth, whether that’s in our work, our relationships, our health or anything else we’re trying to achieve.
This is the optimal way to grow; through ease, inspiration and positive conscious choices. It gives us the mental and emotional energy to get creative and productive. It gives us the freedom to live up to our best images of who we are and what we can achieve.
Main photo: 123rf.com/imagedb