Do you want things to be flawless?
Or maybe a better question is; how much do you need things to be flawless?
Perfectionists often say that they just have high standards, and they want things to go well. It sounds very reasonable, after all, who doesn’t want to do well?
However the difference between high standards and perfectionism is huge.
Someone with high standards takes pride in what they do and want to do it well. When mistakes happen, and they always do because that’s life, people with high standards will do everything they can to fix the problem. However if it can’t be resolved, then they calmly accept it and likely use the event as a learning for next time. Continuous improvement maintains high standards.
For a perfectionist, something going wrong is more dramatic. They will have a strong emotional reaction to a mishap, which looks like anger and frustration with themselves and others. They become demanding and may look to blame someone too.
It’s the difference between wanting and needing.
Why it Matters
High standards can be a joy; the challenge and satisfaction of accomplishing something of quality.
Expecting perfect is an endless nightmare, however. It has a driven feel to it, full of stress and anxiety from beginning to end. Everything needs to be controlled down to the tiniest detail to make sure that there are no mistakes.
It’s exhausting, and can lead to stress-related illness and burnout. It unpleasant to experience, often for other people to be around too, if it leads to volatile outbursts.
Also the task is no fun. Everything is critically dependent on a flawless outcome and activities become a stressful chore. It’s no way to live.
The Cause
The essential question is why does it matter so much to a perfectionist?
It’s not simply a preference, it goes much deeper. The reason is a background ‘or else’. As in;
‘I can’t make a mistake, or else …’
People who must have or be perfect make flaws and errors mean something about them, whether consciously or not. They believe it means they’re not good enough or are not worthwhile, and sometimes even unlovable and bad.
They’ve learned from an early age that they needed to perform or do well to get approval and attention. Or indeed they needed do well in order to avoid disapproval they may have seen others receive. Some were expected to do well and if not they’d risk rejection or disappointment.
It’s not usually taught deliberately, so it’s no reason to blame parents. They are just following what they’ve been taught as children themselves.
Whichever way it was learned, as children they concluded that if doing well is good, then perfect must be better. This is the distortion in the thinking. They work super-hard to achieve perfection and have been doing so all their lives.
Now it’s clear why errors are such a drama; it touches on who they are as a person, their worth and their identity. And most of the time this driver is unconscious.
Where it occurs
There are several forms of perfectionism. The most obvious is in the way things look. Such people are immaculately groomed, have spotless houses and clean, shiny cars all the time.
Sometimes it’s a need to have something specific perfect, like spelling and grammar all written documents.
Another form is the need to be right and know everything. Typically these people would have worked to get straight A’s at school and agonise over any mistakes they make. They will take on an expert status, and if someone manages to point out that they’re wrong, then they’ll take pains to explain their thinking. That is, to justify why their reasoning was right – even though they were wrong.
For others, getting things perfect means doing it all themselves. They believe they’re the only one who will do things ‘right’, and they also think that if they have help then it means it wasn’t really their work. They then have a sense of loss (from the expectation of approval if they’d done it themselves).
Now you can see how easy it is to identify perfectionism; the key is the anxiety mistakes cause.
What can be done
Does this sound like someone you know? Does it sound like you?
If you recognise how much stress and exhaustion perfectionism causes, that’s a good start. Now it’s in conscious awareness and not acting out of unknown causes.
And it’s not the personality either, it’s simply a learned behaviour which can be unlearned. It is a problem that can be practically addressed.
Helping perfectionists involves making the distorted thinking clear; there’s no such thing as perfect in real life. Then adjusting focus so that the whole project is acknowledged, not just the imperfections, and bringing a balanced assessment.
Finally you can work on changing the underlying meaning of mistakes. They don’t make us bad or worthless. They simply make us human, and that’s okay.
